Aside from a few bright days, the first few weeks of January were surprisingly challenging personally, and for our family. We suffered unexpected losses and were far from family and friends (both due to distance and quarantine) to grieve together.
I want to be honest with and for anyone else who has or is suffering loss. There was about a week when I couldn’t even open my Bible, let alone talk to God because the hits just. kept. coming. I’d look at my Bible and grimace. I’d close my eyes to pray and would laugh – 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘏𝘦’𝘴𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺𝘭𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘨! For more than a week, I reveled in my extra time to scroll social media in the morning. I relished the few extra minutes of sleep before bed because I wasn’t wasting my time talking to a God who really didn’t care about what I wanted, or how I felt. I didn’t miss Him at all.
I went to (virtual) church a few Sundays ago, not because I wanted God’s truths preached to me or because I had any desire at all to praise Him (for what, 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘭𝘺?? Breaking my heart again and again? Yeah, no. I’m good, thanks.), but simply because it’s what we do. Mario and I join Oakey & Victoria every Sunday for church. So I went.
And y’know what Pastor Jordan was going on 𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯 about?? Prayer. FREAKING PRAYER. Oh, I listened, but I was having NONE of it.
Until Monday. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
On Monday morning, Jordan’s words echoed in my head. 𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘱𝘳𝘢𝘺𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘰𝘵. Well, I sure ain’t got much right now, but….fine. So I opened my journal and started pouring out my prayers. My anger. My sadness. My disappointment. And Jesus sat with me while I yelled in all caps.
On Tuesday, I was still upset, but 𝘬𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘢 ready to share my hopes with God again. I was afraid that if I shared my dreams with Him, that He’d ignore me, or worse, make sure they never come to pass. But I prayed what I had and begged Him to care.
God and I are slowly reconciling our relationship. (#DaddyIssues, amiright?!) I am opening my heart to the possibility that God will take what’s been shattered and use it to create something beautiful and new. I mean, He created man out of dust, so I can’t even imagine what He’ll create out of the pieces of my heart.
If you’re struggling with loss, unfulfilled dreams, or unmet expectations, it’s okay to take some space from God. As my best girl reminded me, He knows where to find you. And you know where to find Him when you’re ready.